When Your Emotions Make Her Feel Unsafe… And How To Bring Attraction Back
Do you know what a female’s nervous system is always scanning for? SAFETY. It’s not always conscious, it’s hardwired in, running in the background.
The dark hallway, the empty parking garage at night, that sense that someone is walking behind you and you’re not sure who it is… women always have awareness of this, it may raise our heart rate, alert our senses, and we may even put together a rough plan of what we can do to protect ourselves, even though we ultimately know that it’s unlikely to happen.
In all my years working with men, I’ve never heard a man who experiences this. Men are not programmed the same way.
This is a very obvious example of lack of safety, but the same subconscious programming is triggered when a man is angry or upset and unable to regulate his nervous system. And this sense of unsafe that women feel is even more intense when the man who is out of control emotionally is our partner. It’s discombobulating, because our partner is supposed to be our protector, not a threat.
And when I say “out of control emotionally,” that is a huge spectrum. It may mean yelling and slamming doors or it may mean a dramatic head shake and loud sigh. It may even be a barely audible “oh my gosh, seriously??” coupled with an eye roll.
Any sense of overreaction can cause a woman to become alert and/or unsettled, sending the signal that the leader doesn’t have his sh*t together and she may need to step up.
And again, I’m not talking about abuse. I’m not even talking about any sort of actual physical danger. I’m talking about a woman’s nervous system and how it’s wired.
Men can get worked up with each other, fire back and debate and even push each other around, but the effect on the nervous system is completely different. Men are physical creatures, designed to “fight” and return to baseline in less than an hour. Woman are wired to stay on alert (as a protective mechanism) for up to 3 DAYS.
That’s a hell of a lot of energy that a woman’s body expends just trying to return to baseline from something that happened in her own home. And it definitely makes me wonder if there’s a connection between this and the fact that 80% of autoimmune disorders are women. Let that sink in.
A man may be physically capable of protecting his wife, but if his anger, volatility, intimidation, or emotional reactivity makes her feel unsafe, he’s become the opposite of what his role calls him to be.
A man’s ability to regulate his emotions is one of the biggest strengths he could have. As a licensed therapist and a wife of a man who once had almost no ability to emotionally regulate and now is able to stay calm and grounded in almost any situation, I can’t emphasize enough how important this skill is.
This is a hill that I will absolutely die on, and it’s the reason I do the work that I do. A WOMAN SHOULD NEVER FEEL UNSETTLED OR THREATENED IN ANY WAY BY THE PERSON SHE IS SHARING HER LIFE WITH. Her husband should consistently provide a sense of safety and comfort that she can’t find anywhere else.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “So I have to be perfect all the time and never have stress?” the answer is NO. You can have stress anytime you want, but you are responsible to learn the skill of emotional regulation so it doesn’t bleed out onto your woman or your family in the form of edginess, irritability, reactivity, or out of control emotions.
As a leader in the family your goal is to be the calmest person in the room.
And in return for being a grounded, calm leader, you get the very best of your wife, because woman are incredibly attracted to men who have control over themselves and can truly lead. Her nervous system can relax, and she can return to the soft, playful, smiling woman that you fell in love with.
“Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city.”
— Proverbs 16:32